Ok, so you know (see Part 1) that I've gone through my own crazy schedule gyrations, and cooperative agreements with neighbors, to see that my kids get where they need to be and supervised while we work. This is a story of other neighbors, who I don't know well....
There are lots of families with elementary-aged kids in our neighborhood. One family has four kids in elementary school - let's call the kids A, B, C, and D. So someone has to get A, B, and C on and off the bus, and watch D part of the day (she's in half-day kindergarten). Dad has consistently worked full-time, and mom got a full-time job within this past year which requires changing shifts regularly. They've been depending on another neighbor to help out with bus duty and the littlest.
(As an aside, I cannot believe that neighbor #2 took on these kids. They're constantly yelling at each other, arguing, running into the street, being mean to other kids on the bus, and generally driving me crazy. I once even saw them climbing onto & walking around on top of dad's car in the driveway. I don't think I'd have the patience to take them on!)
So, I'm sure they were in a tight spot when neighbor #2 went on vacation for a week, during school, and yet both parents had jobs to get to. One morning, the parents decided to allow the 3 oldest kids to be by themselves for the last half hour (or maybe more?) before getting on the bus in the morning. I'm not sure if this was desperation or honestly thinking that A (the 4th-grader) could be in charge. Here's what happened:
A, B, and C arrive at the bus stop. A and C wander about a house down the street in the other direction from the bus stop.
B: (turns and goes back across the street to their house) Oh, crap!
A: (returning a minute later) Where did B go?
Me: Back toward your house, but I don't know why.
A: (yelling) B, get back here!
B: (coming back) I forgot my water! And I need it!
A: (in the mean, derisive tone she seems to save for her sister) That was stupid. You'll have to do without it.
B: No! I need it!! You're being mean and stupid!
Much arguing ensues, during which A and B continue to insult each other, occasionally using inappropriate language (didn't I tell you they argue constantly?). I wish the other kids weren't listening to this. I wish I weren't listening to this. And, since the parents never asked for my help with them, I'm staying OUT of it, just watching.
B: I don't care what you say, I'm going back in for my water!
A: We don't have the key. How are you getting in?
B: I'll get through the window! (stomps toward their back yard as - oh, crap - the bus stops two blocks away, at the top of the hill)
A: FINE!! BE STUPID!!!!
B: SHUT UP!!!! STUPID!!!!
(bus stops at our stop, other kids get on, while B continues to stomp toward her back yard. I'm done watching. What the hell is she going to do if she misses the bus?)
Me: B, you're about to miss the bus! (I'm yelling from across the street, toward her in her yard a couple houses down from the bus stop.)
B: I don't care! I want my water!
Me: How are you going to get to school? Get on the bus!
B: (grouchy silence)
Me: Go! (I'm not driving you to school! Your parents never asked for my help with you, I barely know them.)
B: (stomps onto bus, whose driver - thankfully! - had waited for her)
... so, given that I had to (repeatedly) yell at B to get out of her yard and onto the bus... and I was the only adult at the bus stop to hear what had happened... but, I also barely even know the parents' names... do I tell them about it?
I spent the next hour walking the dog and contemplating. Which resulted in me coming home, sitting down at the computer (much more readable than my handwriting!) and composing a note to the parents. Which I then left taped to their front door before heading out to work.
I'm sure this could have ended badly, in any number of directions... But what would you do?
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
It Takes a Village (Part 1)
It takes a village...
An old cliche, but a true one. I continued to work after the kids were born; it was never a question in my mind that I would. For some moms (and dads!), I know, it's a huge question and a source of much guilt. For me, I wanted to continue my profession (I'd worked hard to establish it), while also making plenty of time to raise my kids. At first, the husband worked form home, and we split shifts for the most part (with me working less hours than I had pre-kids), while depending on his aunt for the occasional day of babysitting. This soon grew to her taking the kids on all of my (reduced) days of work, and the husband working an in-office job.
Ok, three people raising these kids. No problem, that's not much.
Then, when Baby Girl was in preschool (and Eldest in elementary school full time), I had an opportunity for a temporary full-time university teaching position drop into my lap. It was only for an academic year, but it got me out of the office, doing something different. I still spent some hours at the practice, but needed to make time to prepare and teach 12 credit hours of classes each semester.
Let the fun begin!!
How do you get one kid on and off the bus for a full day of school, while ensuring that the other gets driven to and picked up from preschool three afternoons a week, and babysat the remainder of the week?
I ended up with a calendar I created: time of day down the side (7am-8pm, every 15min got a slot), day of the week across the top... and four columns under each day, for various members of the team. It took a legal-size sheet to print it out; it was a complicated dance of who would be where at what time, and which adult was in charge of which kid at each time. Including the "backup plan" for weeks the husband was travelling for work and I was on my own.
It took us two parents, his aunt, his brother, and two neighbor families willing to exchange babysitting(that's eight adults!) for us to manage this schedule, for a couple kids. It takes a village!
A year later, being back to part-time teaching and the usual part-time hours at the practice, I wonder how in the hell I made it all happen last year. I think I may have lost my mind for a while in there. Balance work and family? No such thing. It's all about getting through.
An old cliche, but a true one. I continued to work after the kids were born; it was never a question in my mind that I would. For some moms (and dads!), I know, it's a huge question and a source of much guilt. For me, I wanted to continue my profession (I'd worked hard to establish it), while also making plenty of time to raise my kids. At first, the husband worked form home, and we split shifts for the most part (with me working less hours than I had pre-kids), while depending on his aunt for the occasional day of babysitting. This soon grew to her taking the kids on all of my (reduced) days of work, and the husband working an in-office job.
Ok, three people raising these kids. No problem, that's not much.
Then, when Baby Girl was in preschool (and Eldest in elementary school full time), I had an opportunity for a temporary full-time university teaching position drop into my lap. It was only for an academic year, but it got me out of the office, doing something different. I still spent some hours at the practice, but needed to make time to prepare and teach 12 credit hours of classes each semester.
Let the fun begin!!
How do you get one kid on and off the bus for a full day of school, while ensuring that the other gets driven to and picked up from preschool three afternoons a week, and babysat the remainder of the week?
I ended up with a calendar I created: time of day down the side (7am-8pm, every 15min got a slot), day of the week across the top... and four columns under each day, for various members of the team. It took a legal-size sheet to print it out; it was a complicated dance of who would be where at what time, and which adult was in charge of which kid at each time. Including the "backup plan" for weeks the husband was travelling for work and I was on my own.
It took us two parents, his aunt, his brother, and two neighbor families willing to exchange babysitting(that's eight adults!) for us to manage this schedule, for a couple kids. It takes a village!
A year later, being back to part-time teaching and the usual part-time hours at the practice, I wonder how in the hell I made it all happen last year. I think I may have lost my mind for a while in there. Balance work and family? No such thing. It's all about getting through.
I hate other people's children
Maybe hate is a bit strong. But I really don't at all enjoy being around large groups of kids. I've been volunteering at the school this year, and whole classes full of children always seem chaotic to me (or is it that my kid's teacher sucks?). I prefer the one-on-one tutoring I get a chance to do; and I seem to be good at it. I've even had teachers I don't yet know stop by to tell me that they've been listening to me, and they appreciate what a good job I do with the kids.
And, one-on-one, most kids don't drive me too crazy. Because I can give them "the look" and/or "the tone" of voice and they'll settle down and do what I've asked them to. That's the easy part!
But, in larger crowds, there are always the ones who are talking when they should be listening to the school concert, those who use their time on the bus to belittle and bully other kids, those who climb up the slides at the playground while others are patiently waiting in line at the top, etc. My kids can also act up, sure. But 90% of the time, they're the ones following the rules... and getting trampled by those who do not. It brings out the momma bear in me, and makes me want to smack those other kids.
Ok, so maybe the problem isn't the kids in this situation so much as it's the adults who fail to correct them. At the playground, if my kids aren't following the rules, I tend to remind them. At a concert, same thing. I spent last year's holiday concert by the elementary children steaming because I couldn't hear a large part of the performances: groups of children waiting to perform were running wild while the "parent helpers" seemed either ok with it or oblivious to it, and many of the audience families weren't exactly being quiet or polite either.
I'd had enough at the playground recently and corrected someone else's brood, when I was pretty sure the adults wouldn't notice and take offense. At what point is it ok to step in (sorry, actual parents/"adults in charge," you had your chance and didn't take it!) and correct other people's children?
And, one-on-one, most kids don't drive me too crazy. Because I can give them "the look" and/or "the tone" of voice and they'll settle down and do what I've asked them to. That's the easy part!
But, in larger crowds, there are always the ones who are talking when they should be listening to the school concert, those who use their time on the bus to belittle and bully other kids, those who climb up the slides at the playground while others are patiently waiting in line at the top, etc. My kids can also act up, sure. But 90% of the time, they're the ones following the rules... and getting trampled by those who do not. It brings out the momma bear in me, and makes me want to smack those other kids.
Ok, so maybe the problem isn't the kids in this situation so much as it's the adults who fail to correct them. At the playground, if my kids aren't following the rules, I tend to remind them. At a concert, same thing. I spent last year's holiday concert by the elementary children steaming because I couldn't hear a large part of the performances: groups of children waiting to perform were running wild while the "parent helpers" seemed either ok with it or oblivious to it, and many of the audience families weren't exactly being quiet or polite either.
I'd had enough at the playground recently and corrected someone else's brood, when I was pretty sure the adults wouldn't notice and take offense. At what point is it ok to step in (sorry, actual parents/"adults in charge," you had your chance and didn't take it!) and correct other people's children?
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